


Behind Closed Doors

by Arwriter



Series: Learned Behavior [4]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Abuse From Non Canon Characters, Arguments, Blood and injury mention, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Invasion of Privacy, Misunderstandings, Past Abuse, Past Emotional and Physical Abuse, Past manipulation, Triggers, sympathetic everyone
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-19
Updated: 2020-12-19
Packaged: 2021-03-11 04:48:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,688
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28179381
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Arwriter/pseuds/Arwriter
Summary: The light sides are still learning how to help Virgil recover, and Virgil is still learning how to ask for what he needs.
Relationships: Anxiety | Virgil Sanders/Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders/Logic | Logan Sanders, Anxiety | Virgil/Creativity | Roman/Logic | Logan/Morality | Patton
Series: Learned Behavior [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1918165
Comments: 29
Kudos: 257





	Behind Closed Doors

**Author's Note:**

> Happy bday Virge! I have a Learned Behavior birthday fic, but it's gonna be a bit late since this chapter took more time than planned.

  
  


It wasn’t like he’d never  _ had  _ any privacy before. 

Virgil had spent most of his life alone, and as much as he’d hated it, the isolation had been preferable to the beatings. 

Everybody had wanted as little to do with him as possible, and he’d understood perfectly. The only time any of the Others would enter his room was when they were furious, throwing open his door without warning, slamming it against the wall so loud it sent Virgil’s anxiety skyrocketing before a hand was even put on him. 

Now...just like with so many other things, the rules around his privacy were proving to be different. 

The light sides actually came to  _ see  _ him. He spent less time cooped up in his room now that he was gradually starting to feel welcome, slowly learning not to be so terrified to just walk into a room. 

If he tripped or stumbled, if the floor creaked under his weight or if he talked just a little too long...they wouldn’t hurt him. They’d promised they wouldn’t, swore to him no one ever would again, and Virgil was beginning to trust them. Slowly. It was still...hard to believe that things could actually be this nice for him. 

And when he was in his room, safe and closed off, he quickly realized how much...calmer it was when people came to see him. Virgil was always hyper aware of movement outside his door, of footsteps in the hallway coming closer, of someone angry storming towards his room. He was still working on memorizing each of the light side’s footsteps, but it soon proved unnecessary. 

They seemed to understand he liked his space, but when they did come to find him in his room, Patton and Logan always knocked. Other than the few times Deceit had needed to speak to him, no one had bothered to do that before. 

Then again, before the light sides no one had come into his room with any intention other than to punish him. There was no need for knocking when he was in trouble anyway. 

Patton’s knocking was slow and gentle, and the moral side would always call out to make sure Virgil was alright with company before opening the door. 

Logan’s knocks were quick and curt, but there was no aggression or impatience to the sound, and he always waited until Virgil said it was ok to come in. 

Roman had been careful to give Virgil his space when he was up in his room, but the two of them had gotten closer in the recent weeks, and there had been a few times Roman would come to him for help with an idea or an invitation to movie night. 

It didn’t take Virgil long to realize that Roman...didn’t knock. 

Which shouldn’t be a big deal. At all. Of course Roman didn’t knock- he was  _ Roman.  _ He was grand and dramatic and he liked to make an entrance, barging into rooms with dazzling smiles and powerful words. 

And of course it didn’t matter to anyone else, because no one was pathetic enough to dwell on meaningless things like that. God-  _ this  _ was why people wanted to hurt Virgil. He was  _ annoying _ and panicked over stupid little things like the way someone entered a  _ room.  _

Nobody had ever knocked on his door before. So Roman  _ not  _ knocking shouldn’t be fazing him in the slightest. 

Except...except before, whenever someone would enter his room without warning, it meant they were angry enough that the beating couldn’t wait until Virgil came downstairs. 

He knew Roman wouldn’t hurt him- he  _ knew  _ that. Roman had been the first one to promise him safety, to hold him and tell him he didn’t deserve that, to swear to protect him as vigilantly as Virgil protected everyone else. 

But every time Roman would barge into his room, footsteps thundering in the hallway just seconds before the door flew open, Virgil had a hard time remembering that. 

The sickening panic would return each time, defenses raising automatically, Virgil hunching his shoulders and tensing, waiting for screams and punches that of  _ course  _ didn't come. 

He always missed the first few things Roman said, busy fighting to calm himself down before the Prince could notice his distress. 

Because how pathetic would that be, if they found out a  _ door opening  _ was enough to make him want to throw up? Each time he had to fight to keep himself from scrambling under his bed in a desperate attempt to hide from a punishment that wasn’t going to come. 

So he stayed silent. They already had to be ridiculously careful around him, he didn’t want to risk pushing his luck by asking for something else. 

He should have known that plan was bound to go wrong. Most things in his life always seemed to. 

Virgil was already tense and on edge from a particularly bad nightmare, hiding out in his room all morning, still too anxious to go to anyone for help despite them assuring him it was alright if he needed it. 

So when Roman burst into his room, calling his name with his usual extravagance, it was of little surprise to Virgil that he snapped before he could stop himself. 

“Jesus Christ, will you just  _ knock?”  _

Roman froze, smile dropping slightly as he furrowed his brow at Virgil. “Well  _ excuse me, _ Doom and Gloom. You wouldn’t hear it anyway if you have your headphones in.” 

“Yes I would,” Virgil argued. Unless he needed the noise to drown out rising panic, he always kept his music quiet enough to hear movement outside his door. “But still, it doesn’t mean you can just barge in like you own the place. What if- what if I’m changing or something?” 

Roman scoffed, and Virgil suddenly felt small and cornered. “Oh, please. You mean the two seconds it takes to snap our fingers to switch clothes? Wanna try another excuse, Stormcloud?” 

Even the familiar nickname, usually gentle and endearing, felt cold and patronizing now. Roman smirked and crossed his arms, and Virgil  _ knew  _ the Prince was just teasing him. He’d been a dick, and Roman was responding with their usual banter. 

Virgil swallowed, frantically trying to come up with an excuse. ‘ _ I blindly panic every time my door opens because I think you’re going to beat me’  _ would just make things awkward, and Roman would probably laugh and call him ridiculous. “Well...what if…”

He trailed off as Roman raised a cocky eyebrow. “Yes?” 

“Well maybe I just don’t want you in my room, Princey!” 

He shouldn’t be getting defensive, he shouldn’t be lashing out to combat the sudden panic in his chest. He should just tell Roman he wasn’t in the mood- tired from another round of nightmares- and if the Prince didn’t leave right now, things would only escalate. 

“Oh,  _ please,”  _ Roman scoffed. “Of course you do. You need  _ something  _ to lighten the mood in here. Were you planning on sitting in the dark all day?” 

He had- at least until the tension in his muscles had seeped away, the nightmare becoming nothing more than a faded memory, and he could function like a human being again. He really,  _ really  _ was not up for company, and he would have said as much if Roman had just  _ knocked.  _

“Maybe,” Virgil snapped. “I didn’t realize that was a  _ problem.”  _

He tried not to think about how if he’d ever  _ dared  _ to speak this way to one of the Others, he’d have already been a bloody mess on the floor. 

“It’s not a  _ problem, _ ” Roman replied instantly, his voice a bit too sharp for Virgil’s liking.  _ He won’t hurt him, he would never hurt him.  _ He had to keep repeating the mantra in his head. 

Roman continued with a quick flip of his wrist, moving his hair from his face in usual dramatic fashion. It really shouldn’t have put Virgil so on edge. “I just can’t understand why you always hermit away in here. I’m just coming in here to say hello, and personally  _ I  _ think you should be honored that I actually  _ want _ to step foot in here at all.”

Did Roman sound angry? No. No, he...he was just annoyed. Irritated and judgy, maybe, but not  _ angry. _

__ So there was no reason Virgil should be curling up just a bit tighter to try and hide how bad he was shaking. He really needed Roman to leave before he noticed. 

“Yeah, okay, well maybe not everyone thinks the way you do, Princey,” he snapped back, voice just as sharp as Roman’s had been, if not more so. “Maybe if people wanted you in their rooms they’d  _ invite  _ you.” 

Roman scoffed. “Don’t be ridiculous, Knight in Shaking Armor _.  _ If we waited for an invitation we’d  _ never  _ see you.” 

Ok, ouch. It wasn’t Virgil’s fault he’d spent his entire life thinking that everyone would try to hurt him if he stepped out of his room.  _ (Yes it was. It was his fault, he was stupid enough to believe it.)  _

“What’s your deal?” Virgil demanded, ignoring the dark, terrified thoughts telling him to just  _ shut up before he got hit.  _ “Jesus, I just asked you to knock! I didn’t realize you had such a problem with  _ privacy,  _ Princey.” 

“Well  _ maybe  _ I’d respect your privacy if you weren’t being such a  _ jerk  _ about it!” 

Virgil reared back like he’d been struck, stomach dropping as his heart began to pound. He knew he was pushing Roman unfairly but he hadn’t thought...he’d just kind of hoped the light sides would be more gracious about this sort of thing. 

A naive part of him had hoped they hadn’t had rules like that at all.

Virgil was still the embodiment of anxiety, still wired to respond solely with fight or flight. He was already in his room, practically cornered, which meant there was nowhere else to flee for safety. 

Fight took over Virgil’s instincts. He could feel adrenaline start up through his veins as he moved to the edge of the bed and sat up straighter, glaring at the Prince still in his doorway.

“Roman, I swear to god it’s not that difficult to knock on a freaking door.  _ I  _ do it before bursting into your room, but you can’t return the favor?” Virgil gripped his bed sheets to hide how bad his hands were shaking. He suddenly couldn’t convince himself he wasn’t in danger. 

“Seriously, I _thought_ you were supposed to be a _Prince.”_ Virgil’s own voice was reminding him of the growl of a frightened animal, guarded and too aggressive for this to still be considered friendly banter. 

“Oh, forgive  _ me _ for not obeying your every command, Virgil. I came in here to be  _ nice.  _ I didn’t expect to be shouted at the moment I stepped inside! You’re being utterly uncouth!” 

_ “Uncouth?”  _ he echoed. “Roman will you stop being a child and just get out of my  _ room?”  _

Roman rolled his eyes but at least took a step back out into the hall, not bothering to close the door as he went. “Fine. I’ll just go tell Logan and Patton how  _ ridiculous  _ you’re being.” 

And then he was gone, storming down the hallway with an undeniable air of anger and frustration, and Virgil was left completely frozen on his bed with the dawning realization of what he’d just done. 

Maybe...maybe he was overreacting. Maybe he didn’t have to panic yet. They’d stopped themselves from hurting him, even weeks after their promise, so maybe they didn’t have any plans to use nonviolent punishment either. 

He...he knew better than to really believe that. But maybe if he hurried, if he explained himself, they would understand and give him another chance. Because for the first time, he had people who actually accounted for his feelings before making a decision.

Looking back on the way he’d just treated Roman, he didn’t understand why they didn’t just grab him by the hood and slam him against the wall until he couldn’t see straight. 

He scrambled off his bed, squeezing his eyes shut and taking a moment to breathe, to will himself to stop trembling. Nobody was screaming for him, nobody was marching up the stairs to tell him of his punishment yet. He still had time to fix things. 

Roman’s remark about earning privacy was still ringing in his ears, an unfortunately familiar warning, and Virgil knew all too well what that would entail. But maybe he’d take it back if Virgil just swallowed his pride and apologized. 

He made his way down the hall, silently hoping he could make it downstairs before everyone decided it was best to go back to treating him like the villain. 

Those hopes quickly vanished when he made it to the bottom of the stairs and was immediately met with three pairs of eyes, all with varying levels of confusion and annoyance. 

“Oh, look who it is,” Roman announced and Virgil flinched, gripping the railing like a lifeline. “Patton, will you tell our local hermit to  _ please  _ control himself?” 

“Kiddo,” Patton warned, but quickly turned his gaze back on Virgil, frowning slightly. “Logan and I could hear you two yelling from down here. What’s going on?”

Virgil shrugged, suddenly intensely focused on his feet. “Nothing.” 

“He wanted me to knock,” Roman explained with a huff. “Which of course I would have  _ done,  _ if he had asked  _ politely.”  _

Logan raised a curious eyebrow, briefly glancing between the two. “Virgil, if there are boundaries you would like us to be aware of, you only need to say. There is no reason for a request like that to turn into an argument.” 

“Yeah,” Virgil muttered, fighting against the urge to flee. “I know.” 

Out of the corner of his eye he saw Roman cross his arms, and he had to remind himself over and over again that no one was going to strike him. Even if they should. “Then  _ why  _ are you so worked up about it?” 

And Virgil had fully intended on explaining, on getting across to Roman that he  _ knew  _ it was stupid and selfish but when his door opened without warning it was impossible to see through his panic, to convince himself he wasn’t about to be left bleeding on his floor for the next few hours. 

But now, with everyone staring at him expectantly, cheeks burning red under the attention, he...he couldn’t. “I’m...I’m just tired.”

Roman laughed, short and void entirely of any humor. “He was  _ tired.  _ Well that excuses everything, doesn’t it?” 

Patton was watching Virgil with something  _ much  _ too close to pity. “Kiddos--” 

“You used to lock yourself up in your room all the  _ time,”  _ Roman complained, and Virgil felt that same spike of defensive anger. Because that hadn’t been his  _ fault.  _ Wasn’t that what they’d been trying to teach him to accept? “We just don’t want that to happen anymore!” 

Virgil tensed, holding the railing so tight his knuckles turned white. He...he hadn’t been  _ trying  _ to isolate himself again. Being welcomed and openly tolerated for the first time was one of the best feelings in the world. He wouldn’t trade his newfound family for anything. 

“Just...why are we even still talking about this? Why are you two involved?” 

He risked a glance up, wincing at the cold glare Roman was giving him, and the obvious confusion from Patton and Logan. 

“Because anger is not an effective way to communicate,” Logan said. “I understand that it is what you are used to, but it needs to be--” 

_“Don’t_ say that to me,” Virgil snapped because- because no. _No._ He wasn’t doing that. He was _not_ acting like the Others. _He_ _wasn’t like them._ “Don’t _ever_ say that to me, Logan.” 

Logan tilted his head, clearly a bit irked at the interruption. “Apologies, Virgil. But am I...incorrect?” 

“Yes! N-no...I- I don’t--” 

“Alright,” Patton mercifully interrupted, but his patience sounded forced. Virgil briefly wondered which one of them would lose their temper and advance on him first. “I think we  _ all  _ need to settle down.” 

Roman waved a hand at the stairs, and Virgil was glad no one was looking to see him flinch. 

“But it’s  _ his  _ fault,” the Prince argued. “He got mad first! For no reason!” 

“I just-” Virgil groaned, running a shaky hand through his hair. “Look, just  _ knock.  _ It’s not hard.” 

Roman whirled back around to face him, eyes brimming with exasperation and anger. “But it doesn’t matter!” 

“Yes it  _ does!”  _

“Why?” 

Virgil opened his mouth to answer, but the words got caught in his throat. God, he was shaking so bad. Why couldn’t he just shut up and let them do whatever they wanted? They already put up with  _ so much.  _

The amount of pain he should have received as punishment for this conversation  _ alone- _

He couldn’t think like that. He couldn’t let himself panic. It wasn’t like that anymore. 

“Look, it’s...it- it’s not…” He found himself glancing at Logan, who always seemed to somehow know what Virgil needed, but the logical side just raised an expectant eyebrow. Virgil groaned, stuffing his hands in his pockets. “You- why are you being such an ass about this?” 

_ “Me?”  _ Roman demanded, and if he noticed Virgil flinch back at the sudden rise in volume he didn’t say anything.  _ “You’re  _ the one getting worked up over something useless! I’m not going to adhere to your every wish, Virgil! Why does it  _ matter?”  _

“Because  _ maybe  _ I’m convinced everyone who comes into my room wants to  _ kill me,  _ Roman!” 

The outburst was met with silence, unreadable expressions on the other side’s faces. Roman opened his mouth to respond but Virgil wasn’t done. Anger had reared its head like an ugly beast, taking control in one last desperate defense. 

“Maybe if you all bothered to tell me otherwise  _ sooner,  _ I wouldn’t be such a- a hermit or whatever. I didn’t know it was such a problem- you never bothered to talk to me until I was useful, anyway!” 

That wasn’t fair, he  _ knew  _ that wasn’t fair. That hadn’t been their fault. He’d been horrible, a villain they all hated. It was his fault. It always was. 

The living room was silent now, all eyes on him, and Virgil fought the urge to pull up his hood and risked a cautious glance at Roman, who no longer looked quite so angry. Shocked, definitely, but not necessarily mad. 

Which was weird. Virgil was almost positive that if he’d taken that kind of tone with any of the Others, he probably wouldn’t be able to walk ever again. 

Logan cleared his throat and took a step forward, and Virgil instinctively flinched back with his arms raised to shield his face. 

“Virgil--” 

“Whatever,” he practically growled, and  _ dammit  _ his voice was shaking too much for them not to notice. “Just- forget it, guys.” 

And before anyone could call him back he stormed up the stairs, shoulders hunched and hands stuffed in his hoodie. He was still fuming, shaky and unfocused, and he channeled the rest of his anger into grabbing the handle and slamming the door to his bedroom as hard as he possibly could. 

It was hard enough to make the walls quiver, the sound like a gunshot ringing through the halls of the mindscape, and it made him feel better for about two seconds before he realized what he’d just done. 

_ Oh god. Oh god they were going to kill him.  _

He’d started a pointless argument because he was too pathetic to get over something simple, and then he’d stood there and yelled at everyone like  _ they  _ had done something wrong. 

They weren’t going to hit him. They’d promised, and they’d proven over and over again that they didn’t intend on breaking that promise, no matter how horrible he was. 

And he’d certainly shown them just how horrible he could be today, hadn’t he? Maybe now they would finally understand why he’d been put through all those punishments for so long. It was so much easier to deal with him when he was in pain. 

The argument could be worked through. Maybe. But then he’d  _ slammed his door  _ and...and he knew what the punishment was for that. Roman had confirmed it himself. 

Virgil understood that. His room was a safe space, somewhere to stay when things got too overwhelming to manage, and for the most part the other sides understood that. 

So taking privacy away entirely was the most effective punishment they had access to since violence had already been taken off the table. 

It was preferable to the beatings, obviously, but it still made sickening panic coil in his gut at the thought of it. At least they seemed to be giving him some time to cool down before his punishment, the hallway outside completely silent. 

God, he was an idiot. He was so  _ stupid.  _ Why couldn’t he do  _ one _ thing right? Why couldn’t he just be grateful for what he had and not ruin everything for  _ once  _ in his stupid life? 

He squeezed his eyes shut, refusing to cry over his own mistake. That had always just gotten him in more trouble. 

Virgil pulled up his hood, breaths still short and shaking as he crawled back into bed where he’d already spent a majority of the day. Maybe the longer he stayed cooped up in here, the longer he could avoid the repercussions. 

It was unlikely. Punishments were never on his terms. 

He kept his eyes firmly shut, wrapping his blanket around him and burying his face in the pillow in a desperate attempt at letting everything fade for the time being. He was exhausted, both from the nightmares and the fight, and all he wanted to do was fall asleep and never wake back up. 

He didn’t get his wish, unfortunately, but it was clear he’d at least managed to doze off for a couple hours, his room much darker than it had been before he’d shut his eyes, faint sunlight no longer shining through his curtains. 

At first he wasn’t sure what had woken him, everything still and silent, but then he heard the quiet knocking at his door again followed by a gentle voice. 

“Kiddo?” Patton called from the other side. “Can I come in?” 

Virgil groaned, still groggy and disoriented, wondering why Patton was still bothering to knock. He knew better than to push his luck by turning him away, taking a steadying breath before calling back. “Yeah. Come in, Pat.” 

Virgil pushed himself up into a sitting position, pulling his knees up to his chest as Patton slowly pushed open the door, hesitating in the entrance. 

“Hey,” he said softly, and Virgil wasn’t sure if he was supposed to answer or not. “Did I wake you?” 

Virgil shrugged, eyes on his rumpled blankets. “It’s ok.” 

Patton continued to hesitate in the doorway, and Virgil scrambled to figure out why the moral side was still being so courteous. Was it some kind of trick? Was he trying to figure out how to best explain what the punishment would entail? 

“You up for talking, kiddo?” Patton asked, and Virgil knew better than to think he actually had a choice. “It can wait if you need some more alone time.” 

Virgil shook his head, heart beating frantically in his chest as he willed himself to stop trembling. The weaker he looked, the worse it always was. He cautiously raised his head to glance at Patton, a silent invitation. 

The moral side took a step forward before pausing again, hand hovering over the doorknob. “Do you want the door open or closed?” 

Virgil blinked, glancing between Patton and the hallway behind him. He didn’t... _ look  _ angry, but the idea of having an accessible escape route set him at ease just a little. 

He couldn’t meet his gaze, fidgeting with the strings of his hoodie. “Can you leave it open?” 

“Of course.” 

Virgil watched with tense shoulders as Patton, true to his word, left the bedroom door open and carefully made his way over to the bed where the anxious side was miserably hunched over and waiting. 

“Kiddo--” 

“I’m sorry,” Virgil said, cringing when he realized he’d interrupted. “I- I’m sorry for- for fighting with Roman and- and for yelling and...and for saying those things about you guys. That wasn’t- that wasn’t your fault. I- I should have tried harder but I was  _ stupid,  _ and I just didn’t--” 

“Slow down, Virgil,” Patton said softly, and Virgil instantly fell silent. “You’re not stupid. And we know you didn’t mean what you said.” 

Patton had slowly lowered himself down on the bed, keeping a few inches between them. He reached forward, slowly, and Virgil flinched back before he could stop himself, eyes going wide. 

Patton quickly pulled his hand back. “I’m not gonna hurt you, baby. It’s ok.” 

Virgil looked down at his lap, squeezing trembling hands into fists. He was hard enough to deal with normally, but he’d been  _ awful  _ today. He couldn’t imagine how much Patton was regretting his decision. 

“You...you can if you want,” Virgil said quietly. “I won’t- I won’t say anything.” 

Patton made a choked sound, eyes wide in disbelief. Virgil wasn’t sure what he’d done wrong this time, but he’d made him upset and all his defenses were suddenly up. 

“Sorry!” he said quickly. “S-sorry, I was just trying to--” 

“No, it’s alright,” Patton said, and Virgil jumped at the feeling of warm hands suddenly covering his own. “But I don’t  _ want  _ to hit you, sweetheart. I will  _ never  _ want that.” 

Virgil’s head was starting to hurt, spinning in the way it usually did whenever they had discussions like this. “But...but everyone’s mad.” 

“We had a fight,” Patton agreed, looking unbearably sad. “It got a little out of hand, and everyone needed some time to cool off. Do you think Roman should be hit?” 

_ “What?”  _ The panic hit full force again, but for an entirely different reason, protective rage and disbelief clouding his vision just at the  _ thought  _ of the Prince being treated like that. “Jesus-  _ no!  _ Of course not!” 

Patton tilted his head slightly. “Then, why should you?” 

“Because…” Virgil trailed off, almost certain Patton wouldn’t like any answer he came up with. His voice was small and unsure when he spoke again. “I...I deserve it?” 

Patton shook his head, and Virgil wondered if he was even more annoyed at him for not understanding. 

“You don’t,” he said. “You don’t deserve to be hurt any more than me, Roman, and Logan do. You’re always gonna be safe here with us, honey. Even when we fight.” 

Patton looked genuinely hopeful, his hands still gently holding Virgil’s own, and even though it didn’t really make  _ sense,  _ Virgil found himself relaxing. Patton wasn’t going to hurt him. No one was going to hit him for this. 

“Ok,” he relented. “I’m...I’m still really sorry. For- for yelling and...and slamming my door and stuff.” 

“I appreciate that, kiddo,” Patton said. “And you and Roman need to talk this out when you’re ready. But first...can you tell me what happened?” 

Virgil shrugged, figuring it was fairly obvious. “I was being an ass.” 

Patton didn’t even correct his language, just squeezed his hand slightly and leaned forward to try and meet Virgil’s gaze. He suddenly felt like he was being read like an open book. 

“You lashed out,” Patton said, and Virgil winced. “And...while it’s not an  _ excuse,  _ you don’t do that unless you’re already on edge. So what’s going on?” 

Virgil swallowed, suddenly feeling trapped despite Patton’s gentle encouragement. “I’m just...I’m just tired and anxious. I get short tempered sometimes, you know that.” 

Patton was silent, clearly waiting for him to elaborate, and Virgil had a second of blind panic when he realized he wasn’t sure what the other side wanted him to say. 

Did it sound like Virgil was making excuses? Did he think he was lying? Was he expecting a different answer? 

Patton sighed, but he didn’t sound annoyed or impatient, giving Virgil’s hands another gentle squeeze. “Can you tell me why the knocking matters so much to you?” 

Virgil tensed, resisting the urge to pull his hands away. “It...it doesn’t.” 

“It does,” Patton said. “It obviously matters a lot.” 

“It  _ doesn’t,”  _ Virgil snapped, and- great, he was doing it _ again _ . “It- it’s dumb and selfish and I shouldn’t have yelled at Roman over it. I can- I can get over it.” 

He was absolutely  _ not  _ going to start crying over this. He didn’t think Patton would snap and hit him over it, but he knew how obnoxious it was to listen to. 

“Honey,” Patton said, in that gentle, understanding voice that could always coax Virgil out of his spiraling panic. “Can you please tell me what’s wrong?” 

_ Dammit.  _ Patton really sounded like he cared, like nothing could convince him that it wasn’t just another one of Virgil’s useless problems that he needed to get over by himself. 

Virgil groaned, pulling his hands free despite the way his chest ached at the loss of comfort, instead moving to run them through his hair. 

“It...it’s just…” He closed his eyes again, deflating, suddenly too tired to keep fighting. “This- this is the first time anybody has come into my room because they  _ wanted _ to. You guys- you guys  _ want  _ to see me when you come in here.” 

Patton was watching him carefully when Virgil opened his eyes, looking a little lost but beginning to understand. He nodded, gently urging him to continue. 

“Nobody...the Others never came to see me unless they...unless they were mad. And they- they didn’t bother to knock, obviously, if they were just- just going to h-hurt me. And then you and Logan knocked and- and I  _ know  _ it’s dumb but it just...made me feel like I had some control, you know?” 

He took a shaky breath, once again refusing to meet Patton’s eyes. “When Roman kept...walking in without warning I just...forgot. I kept forgetting I was safe. The only time someone had done that was when they were...you know. It’s stupid, I  _ know  _ it’s stupid and I can’t expect to--”

“Kiddo  _ no.”  _ Patton’s hands were suddenly slipping into Virgil’s again, and where he’d expected resentment or annoyance, Virgil found only quiet concern. “It’s not stupid! Not at all. Kiddo...Virgil, why didn’t you  _ tell  _ us?” 

Virgil shrugged again, hating how obvious his trembling had become. “Because it’s just...it’s just knocking. I shouldn’t...I can get over it, it’s--”

“It’s not just knocking to you,” Patton said. “It might be small to us, but that means it’s something we can easily do to make you feel safer, Virgil.” 

“But it’s stupid!” 

“It’s something you need,” Patton corrected, continuing over any halfhearted protests. “Remember what Logan said about your recovery? We’re all doing our best, but we’re gonna end up stepping all over your triggers sometimes. You don’t need to feel bad for helping us learn. You  _ never  _ should be afraid to ask us for something that makes you feel better.” 

Virgil couldn’t bring himself to pull away from Patton this time, just miserably curled in on himself and frantically tried to think of an acceptable response. “I...I’m sorry. For turning it into a fight.” 

“It’s alright,” Patton promised. “But you need to tell Roman and Logan why this is important to you, ok?” 

Virgil pushed down his panic, knowing he wouldn’t be able to get out of this. “Is Roman mad?” 

“Not anymore,” Patton said. “He knows he pushed you a bit, and he’s a little worked up about it. But he’ll be ok after you come down.” 

“It’s not his fault. I’m the one who--” 

“Placing blame isn’t important.” Patton slid off the bed, still holding Virgil’s hands, and carefully helped the anxious side to his feet. “Are you good to go downstairs? We can always wait.” 

“I’m...I’m good. I need to apologize.” 

Patton didn’t argue, just gave him a small smile and led them both out into the hall, hands still interlocked as they made their way down the stairs. 

Logan and Roman were in the living room when they arrived, sitting in silence on the couch and clearly waiting for whatever awkward scolding was inevitably going to occur after Virgil worked up the courage to properly explain himself. Great. 

“Hi,” he muttered, not sure how else to start, hesitating at the bottom of the stairs. He felt like a child, small and defenseless. “I’m...really sorry, you guys. All of you. I shouldn’t have snapped at you and- and I shouldn’t have said those things. I didn’t mean it.” 

Virgil heard Roman sigh, tensing on instinct until he glanced up to any anger or annoyance completely drained from his expression, his posture almost relaxed. 

“It’s alright, my Starry Night,” he said softly, and Virgil wanted to sob in relief. “I shouldn’t have gotten so defensive over something so silly.” 

And then the relief was gone, replaced with something cold and painful, and he suddenly remembered what had made him lash out in the first place. Because it...it wasn’t silly. It mattered to him. 

Luckily, he didn’t have the energy for anger anymore and Logan was speaking up before he could let himself say something stupid. 

“I also feel as though I should apologize,” he said, which was not what Virgil had been expecting. “While I was only attempting to decrease the tension, it appears I may have misspoken and succeeded in doing the opposite.” 

Virgil wrapped his arms around himself, trying not to dwell on the way he’d blindly snarled at Logan. “It’s fine, Lo. You didn’t do anything.”

“Still,” Logan said. “I want to make sure you are aware that it was not my intention to make any sort of comparison between you and...the people from your past. You are nothing like them, Virgil. And you never will be.” 

Virgil swallowed against the lump in his throat and quickly looked away, eyes suddenly embarrassingly wet. 

Roman made a sound that Virgil would have killed him for if he wasn’t suddenly so grateful for every person in this room. Even if he’d still lost the right to his privacy for however long they deemed appropriate, at least no one hated him. 

“Kiddo.” Patton was suddenly putting a gentle hand on his shoulder, and Virgil remembered they weren’t nearly done here. “Can you please tell them what you told me? About why it’s important to you?” 

Virgil thought he might actually prefer to fling himself into the sun than to admit it again, but Patton had said  _ please  _ and Roman was looking at him curiously, no judgment or tension to be seen. 

Besides, Roman deserved to know why he’d practically been screamed at out of nowhere, as shitty of an excuse as it was. 

“I still shouldn’t have yelled,” he said. “It’s just...before- before you guys, people only barged into my room if...if they were mad and didn’t want to wait until I came out to...do whatever they were gonna do to me. And I know it shouldn't be a big deal but- but when you open th-the door without knocking I just...panic. I- I forget that I don’t have to be afraid of you.” 

His words were met with heavy silence, and Virgil’s legs suddenly felt weak, knees wobbling under his weight. He dug his nails into his hoodie sleeves, refusing to meet Roman’s eyes, not ready to face any scorn or disbelief. 

“Virgil,” Roman said, barely a whisper. “Oh, Virgil I’m so  _ sorry.”  _

_ What? _

Roman stood from the couch, but he didn’t approach or yell or call Virgil ridiculous. His eyes were wide and he looked...distressed? 

“I-I had no idea...Virgil I’m so sorry! I should never have gotten so angry with you, I...I should have just  _ listened.” _

“What?” Virgil hadn’t actually meant to speak aloud, but Roman was slowly walking forward, brimming with regret and hope as he reached for Virgil’s hands, which he numbly offered. “No, Roman don’t be- you  _ literally  _ couldn’t have known.”

“No, but I should have listened to you! I...I just thought...God, we always tell you to let us know how we can help you feel safe and- and I just got  _ mad _ at you for it. I’m...Virgil I’m so very  _ sorry.” _

“I should have just told you.” He’d messed up. He’d messed up, he’d lost privacy privileges and he’d made Roman  _ upset.  _ “I- I should have known you wouldn’t be mad. I don’t know why--” 

And then Roman had his arms around him, pulling him close in his familiar embrace of warmth and safety, and Virgil practically melted against his chest, returning the hug almost desperately. 

“Group hug!” Patton cheered, hurrying over to join as Virgil laughed. “You too Logan!” 

There was a sigh from the couch, though Virgil knew there was no real resentment from the logical side. “If I must.” 

The hug only lasted a minute or two, but Virgil let himself close his eyes and relax under the knowledge that he was still safe. Even if he’d messed up, even if he still needed to be punished, they weren’t going to hurt him. 

When they all pulled back, Roman lingered a moment with his hands ghosting over Virgil’s arms, smiling hopefully down at him. “Are we...good?” 

Virgil matched the smile, fighting to push down any thoughts of future punishment. “We’re good, Princey.” 

Patton actually _ clapped, _ grinning as he reached over to ruffle Virgil’s hair while Logan squeezed his shoulder, and Virgil was suddenly reminded that he was surrounded by the biggest dorks in the universe. 

“Thank you for informing us of the trigger, Virgil,” Logan said, blunt as ever but somehow...Virgil didn’t really mind. “You deserve to have control over who enters your room, and we will all be careful to respect your privacy in the future.” 

Virgil stepped back, a panicked ache returning to his chest at the reminder of what was coming. They were going to be careful in the future, which meant the  _ world  _ to him, but…

But he knew how this type of punishment went. He knew that he’d be suffering sleepless nights of staring into an empty hallway, always on edge and constantly looking over his shoulder, feeling miserably exposed and vulnerable. 

“Virgil?” Patton asked softly, and Virgil abruptly realized how tense he’d gotten, jaw clenched tight because he  _ refused  _ to cry over a punishment he deserved. “You ok?”

They were all so... _ nice.  _ They were so,  _ so  _ kind to him. Maybe...maybe they’d be a little more lenient with this too? Maybe they’d at least tell him how long it would last in advance. 

“I- I know it’s kinda selfish to ask,” he said quietly. “I’m sorry, but...how- how long until I can have it back?” 

His question was met with silence and blank stares, and he saw Patton frown and glance curiously at Logan, who furrowed his brow in response. 

Virgil flinched, even when no one moved, because he’d  _ just  _ managed to repair the damage he’d done,  _ just  _ gotten them to stop being angry with him, and now he’d messed everything up  _ again- _

“Virgil,” Logan said slowly, and Virgil warily met his eyes. “Until you can have... _ what  _ back?” 

Virgil blinked and glanced briefly at the others, wondering if this was some kind of trick. But all he was met with were confused, worried stares, and he was painfully reminded of the first time he’d asked when they planned on hitting him. 

“My...my door?” 

He immediately regretted saying anything when Logan’s eyes went wide. “Your  _ door?”  _

“Wait, you think we’re going to  _ take  _ your  _ door?”  _ Patton asked, sounding oddly alarmed. “Why on earth would we do that?” 

“Because...because I have to earn privacy,” he said, like it was obvious. He sort of thought it was. “I was loud and I- I yelled. And I slammed my door, so  _ obviously--”  _

“Did they do that to you?” Patton asked. “Did they...did they say you had to  _ earn  _ your privacy?” 

“I- I mean, yeah. If I was too loud and they didn’t think I learned my lesson with...you know...the usual stuff, they’d take it down for a while.”

“Kiddo--” 

“Only sometimes, though,” he added, like he needed to defend them. “They- they knew I got really on edge when I couldn’t...uh, close myself off. I- I can’t really sleep without my door, so could it...maybe only be a couple days? I promise I won’t ever--” 

“We are not going to take your door,” Logan cut him off, watching Virgil with something unreadable behind his glasses. “That was yet another form of abuse, Virgil. You do not have to earn your privacy.” 

“You don’t have to  _ earn _ anything,” Patton jumped in. “Your door isn’t a privilege!” 

Virgil shook his head, that same lost, hopelessly confused feeling returning with a vengeance. He wondered why it was always so hard for him to understand kindness. “But I thought...Roman  _ said  _ I had to earn my privacy, I thought--” 

“What?” The Prince looked affronted, taking a startled step back. “No I didn’t! I would  _ never  _ imply something like that!” 

“You...y-you did.” He wasn’t trying to argue, he just...didn’t  _ understand.  _ “You said...you said you wouldn’t respect my privacy if...if I was a jerk. After...after I yelled. I thought that meant--” 

“Oh, Virgil  _ no.”  _

And then Roman was pulling him into  _ another  _ hug, and as confusing as it was Virgil couldn’t find it in him to complain. 

It only lasted a few seconds, the Prince pulling back to cup Virgil’s face in both his hands, forcing him to look Roman in the eyes. 

The Prince gave an almost lopsided smile, his hold gentle. “I really need to start thinking before I speak, huh?” 

“What?” Virgil couldn’t shake his head without risking dislodging Roman’s hands, only able to stare with wide eyes. “N-no, it was my fault. I’m the one who--” 

_ “I’m  _ the one who ignored your discomfort, Virgil. I wasn’t  _ thinking.  _ If anyone’s at fault here, it’s me.” 

“But I--” 

“I do not believe blame is important,” Logan spoke up, and Roman and Virgil quickly turned to him, the Prince’s hands dropping to his sides. “And we definitely do not need another argument over who is at fault.” 

Virgil winced, hunching his shoulders even if Logan sounded more amused than annoyed. “Sorry.” 

“No more apologies necessary,” Logan said. “We are all still learning to respect and understand each other. It will take some time and a lot of work, but today was a good learning opportunity. For all of us.” 

Virgil didn’t quite relax yet, still reeling from the revelation that he  _ didn’t  _ have to worry about losing his door now or ever, and entirely unable to comprehend how today could be anything other than exhausting for everyone. “How?” 

“You did really well explaining to me what was wrong,” Patton said, quickly continuing before Virgil could argue. “It took a bit of coaxing, but you’ve been taught to be scared of opening up, kiddo. That’s not gonna go away overnight.” 

“But you did it,” Roman added. “You were brave, Stormcloud, and I’m proud of you. And...and now I know what you need, and why I hurt you. I...I should have realized  _ sooner,  _ but--” 

“It’s ok,” Virgil said quickly. “It’s...it’s ok. You...you know now, right? And I- I know you won’t get mad if I tell you the truth.” 

“Of course,” Roman promised. “Of  _ course  _ I won't be mad at you. I- I know I messed up today, but I swear to you I’ll do better next time.” 

“We all will,” Logan agreed. “There will be misunderstandings and mistakes, from all of us, but they can always be worked through. You’re safe here, Virgil. That will never change.” 

They...they meant it. All of them, watching him with unabashed hope and adoration, wanting him to believe them. And he did. Even when a part of him, the parts that had been hurt over and over again, screamed at him not to. 

“Ok,” he said, still quiet and unsure, but steady all the same. “And I...I get to keep my door?”

He was almost afraid to ask, like maybe he’d crossed some sort of line by bringing it up again and all of their kindness would be abruptly ripped away. But Patton just smiled sadly and took his hand. 

“Nobody’s gonna take your door away,” he said. “Privacy isn’t something you earn, you don’t ever need to worry about that. We won’t hit you, kiddo. But we’re not gonna take away the things you need to feel comfortable, either.” 

Virgil’s throat felt tight, vision blurring as tears gathered against his will, but something loosened in his chest. “Oh.” 

He felt lightheaded, far away and a bit dizzy, and he was suddenly reminded of how little sleep he’d gotten, how endless the miserable night had been. 

“How about we move over to the couch?” Patton suggested, running his hand through a teary eyed Virgil’s hair. “I’ll get us some food, and you can doze off when you’d like, Virge.” 

Virgil nodded, not able to do much else in the moment, smiling when Roman began to lead him over to the couch, gently rubbing his back. “Sounds good to me, Padre.” 

Patton had sandwiches and chips on the coffee table in a matter of minutes- or maybe time was starting to move in a distant blur now that Virgil’s exhaustion was starting to catch up with him. 

They ended up curled up together with a vaguely familiar movie in the background, Virgil rested against Roman’s side with his head on Logan's shoulder. 

“Thank you.” It was nothing more than a quiet murmur, and he didn’t bother to wait for the response before shutting his eyes, letting himself drift away. 

He didn’t have any more nightmares that night, waking up the next morning tucked into his bed with his bedroom door closed. 


End file.
